look who's skipping

i had so much fun tonight that i was literally running home in my heels to blog about it! i attended a Seoul Flickr / Seoul Blogger meetup in Itaewon at an Irish pub. the people whom i met were really cool, and i didn't even meet everyone; there was about 20 of us and smaller groups broke off so separate conversations were running simultaneously. but i met a ton of new people and personalities, from quiet and reserved to gregarious and extroverted, tried to remember a ton of new flickr/blog names (i'm bringing a notepad next time!), collected some name cards (the flickr name cards are really cool!) and hopefully made some new friends.

there was a time when i would have somberly sauntered home from such an occasion feeling all depressed and identity-less. i still haven't figured out who i am and what i want to present when i'm in a group setting. for example, tonight, as i'm listening (which i spent most of my time doing) to everyone telling their stories i'm thinking to myself, "what exactly do i have to offer?" "what could i say to this group?" "what impression of me will they take away from tonight's meeting?" the answers are always out of my reach but my behavior is so precipitable. i know exactly what i'll do in such situations. it never changes: listen, smile, laugh at things i think are funny, say polite things, compliment others, search for common ground then drop a short sentence here and there but basically remain on the sidelines.

being on match.com and reading about some of the characteristics and personalities for which some guys are searching really surprised me: "she should challenge me", "she need not be political but should be able to carry on an intelligent conversation about politics and promote her position" (or something like that), "she should teach me what she knows and share her knowledge" (or something like that). it's funny, when i'm in a group, those are the type of behaviors that i steer clear from expressing. i employ the most non-agressive approach to socializing. sort of the "seen and not heard" variety. the prospect of having an outer-body-experience and actually listening to me relate to a group in this manner makes me want to vomit. if there were two of me, one in the crowd listening to the other me, i'd roll my eyes at myself and think i was such a wishy-washy rambling moron with nothing pertinent to say, nothing substantial to contribute. for example, i'm not teaching the group how to throw a boomerang. :-) my group socializing personality is so bland that if i were an ice cream flavor i would be more bland than vanilla ... maybe water flavored ice cream (wait a minute, that's ice ... i'm not as cold as ice). the guy with the boomerang is like penguin swirl mixed berry ice cream with tutti fruiti ice and a cherry on top.

anyway, i've often been depressed at my lack of confidence in large social settings.

tonight was different for some reason. i loved it. it was so thrilling to be at that meetup but i was the same me whom i've always been, and different i guess at the same time. i'm growing to embrace my tendency to close up in group settings and appreciate my ability to easily connect on an individual level. i do both of those things very well. that's who i am. i have a lot to offer but it doesn't surface immediately. unlike a fast food service station, my happy meals come to those who are willing to wait. and in all likelihood, the impression that each person takes away from meeting me is no more controllable than is the weather.