kafunkkafunk

bippidyboppidyboo

jibberjibberjab

yukyukyuk

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i have too much happening in my head right now. today is not such a good day. it's probably due to my tiredness that everything seems to feel like a bigger deal than it really is. my lack of mental alertness may also be the reason behind my irrational thinking. but one thing is for sure: my inner dialog has been extremely negative today.
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i can't believe how much i eat every day. i eat when i'm not hungry and eat until i'm stuffed. i'm feeding something but it's not hunger. my sweet tooth is uncontrollable. it wants what it wants, when it wants it and i feel forces stronger than my will compelling me to satisfy its desires. i try to go to the gym every day and, at the very least, walk 5km. according to the treadmill i burn about 250 calories in about 50 minutes. then, on my way home from the gym, i go by the grocery store and buy a snack that's 350+ calories and have it down the hatch in under 5 minutes. ahhhhhhh. what's the point in eating snacks _or_ exercising?!?!

what it boils down to is this: i don't want it bad enough. "It" being healthier eating habits with low sugar and low carb intake. when i'm not snacking i think i eat relatively well. i have about 5 pieces of fruit a day (usually tangerines, apples, or bananas). at each sitting (2 or 3 sittings per day) i will have some combination of the following: 3 bunches of fresh spinach (either steamed, fried or raw), fresh veggies (broccoli, carrots, or cauliflower either steamed, fried or raw), and a couple of eggs (over easy), or tuna. i stay away from fast food (okay, so once or twice a month i have pizza). and when i eat out i order korean dishes that have lots of veggies and protein. ... but i just love sweets and baked goods. what did people do before bread was invented? here in korea, you can't get away from the baked goods. there are bakery shops around every corner ... and i'm not even counting the rollaway carts on every block offering a variety of korea's signature baked and fried goodies for those after school kids and break-time office workers.
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why does he stress me out? i talked with him today and, of course, he was drunk. he's like a tornado ... or sticky fly paper - i don't want to get near enough to get sucked into his whirlwind or stuck on his life. at one point i thought he could be the one. but since then i have seen many sides of him and now i'm scared to start a relationship with him yet i feel strangely obligated. i get stressed just talking to him. he has sensitive ears; i feel i need to watch everything i say around him. if i will spend the rest of my life with someone, then that someone needs to have better days than i will. i can be a mess sometimes so i cannot have a boyfriend who is as sensitive and emotionally needy as i am. it would be a disaster.
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i'm in no way looking for a relationship stronger than a friendship while here in korea, yet i spent the better part of the day worrying about a guy that i haven't once yet worried about in the time that we've known each other. why hasn't he called? he said he wanted to see me this week. what if he's bored with me? what if i don't ever hear from him again? is it me? what did i do? bla, bla, bla. so ... what's the difference between today when i have these thoughts and yesterday when i didn't have these thoughts? could it be lack of sleep? could it be a shift in self-perception? i think it's both.

my sleepiness means i'm not thinking clearly. which means, when i look in the mirror i see the flaws, the bulges, the sneaky gray hair, the unfair acne, the laugh lines, the oily skin, the deep pores, the protruding gut and the squishy butt. which means, when i look in the mirror i don't see the beauty that is there, the beauty that is not only unique to me but in all of us, in our smile, in our intellect, in our personality, in our humor, in our morals and priorities, in our relationships with our friends and families. and suddenly it comes back to me as though i have just woken up from a sound sleep: i'm a catch (just like i was yesterday). some may hear/read this and think what an egotistical view of herself but it's about self-preservation. i'm a catch and this realization is my savior.