17 more days

well today was my first day teaching and i hated it because i sucked at it. i forgot to give homework assignments, let kids out of class 10 minutes too early, didn't follow the syllabus, didn't take attendance properly, didn't know how to operate the CD player and xerox machine properly (duh!! - what planet are you from??). somewhere between starting and ending the day, my brain melted and i gave into the feeling of failure.

as kids screamed "teacher, teacher" i was thinking about what i was going to abandon and what i was going to take with me when i hot-tailed it back to the US on the night's red-eye. if i could have cried i would have cried, but i'm 30 and much too old to be crying over something so insignificant. but i can't help but feel like such a failure when i don't get things right the first time. feeling like it all should be somehow instinctive, i'm overly stressed that i don't just already know how to do it. it feels like a blaze orange blinking sign shining in my face that says "you are failing and you suck; you're stupid; you're letting everyone down - they had much higher hopes for you; tisk-tisk" about the only thing that kept me going was knowing that i had something so much more important waiting for me at home.

as i was at my first day of teaching, matt was visiting his orphanage and i knew i'd be coming home to a story and i couldn't wait to hear it. before i left school today the director told me that we would go over in more detail what i should be doing before my classes tomorrow. [no wonder the teacher i replaced didn't follow the syllabus - it's much easier just to have fun with the kids, play games, draw on the board and keep kids from poking out each other’s eyes, ya know, basically baby-sit] teaching is harder than i thought it would be, but i know that once i see the over all picture and can easily recognize the pattern to each different class that i teach then all will fall into place as it should. anyway, more to the point: 17 more days until i get paid - and then things (money) will really fall into place (my bank account) ... as it should.

Matt's trip to orphanage quick overview:

1. his actual orphanage was moved back in the 80s to a different location but they took from the old location: playground equipment (including a slide that matt remembers), a tree and some of the tables that they still use
2. the orphanage is still called Christian Babies Home (English name) and Ki Dok Sam Aewon (Korean name). It is in Iksan, Korea which is about 1.5 hour (fast) train ride straight south of Seoul. Iksan is known for jewelry so you'll see many signs and statues that resemble jem stones.
3. they had pictures from the time that matt was there; matt took photos of these photos; none showed him
4. they had his file and showed him everything they had; it contained everything that he has already been given by Holt, the agency though which he was adopted. no additional information was available at the orphanage. matt gave them his current address and email account which they will keep on file in case anyone comes to ask about him in the future.
5. he still has no change in his feelings as he expected not to learn any additional information at the orphanage; he continues to not have any interest in trying to locate his birth family.
6. they went to the location of the old orphange. a church stands now in that location. some of the wall and part of the building still exist though it (looks as if it) is currently unoccupied or just a run-down home.
7. matt had two interpreters that took him to the orphanage. they drove 2 hours from their home location to meet matt at the Iksan train station. they are volunteers and have donated their time in the same manner as they have done for matt but neither of them have been to that orphanage before.

Okay, your homework for tonight: circle the answer.

Susan had a good first day at school.

Susan will have better days at school soon.

Susan wants to make money.

Matt picked a perfect day to go to his orphanage.