someone else to play with

i freed myself from a burden i did not know i was carrying by finally being honest with myself.

i just finished writing a short letter to someone whom i met recently. in the letter i said what i've been trying to ignore and not say to myself or to this person, since i met this person.

i knew there was a mismatch (in "philosophies", let's just say) with this person but i tried, without really knowing that i was trying, to reason with all my might that the mismatch wasn't important. from the moment this person objected to my "philosophy" i made a decision to continue to pursue and maintain contact. even though i objected to this person's "philosophy" i stuck around just so i could keep this person in my life. so then i went on to carry the weight of that mismatch on my shoulders, the weight of my own sacrifice, the weight of my own choice to settle for less.

but tonight when i wrote that letter, a letter that i tried to write earlier which was supposed to have been a completely different letter by the way, it just started coming out, the truth. i could not write that other letter. i could no longer ignore my honest feelings. i have tried getting around this mismatch any which way i could think of but it's too gigantic. it's the square peg and it needs a square hole. i will find someone else to play with.