to new beginings

recently i set a goal to make new friends and meet new people and today i met another new person. i don't like everyone i meet and some i like more than others ... some i can't stop thinking about. a few have been women, most have been men. most, though not all, are Korean.

but this post is not about them. it's about me and how i view myself differently after meeting each new person. the changing perception i have of myself has me wondering, 'who the hell am i?' & 'why haven't i got this figured out yet?' every other day i doubt myself, my worth, my value and wonder just what makes me special, or if i even am special. the questioning catches me off guard like a surprise rain on a day you've left the house without your umbrella, and the threat of drowning grows stronger with every unanswered question.

• why am i not creative?
• why did i buy those sweaters that don't fit me well?
• why do my nostrils have to be a big as Oldsmobiles?
• why do i love to eat?
• why am i so damn sensitive?
• why can't i find decent mascara that doesn't cost the same as 4 dinners?
• why didn't i major in biology?
• why didn't i major in art?
• why did i major in mathematics?
• why am i so emotionally needy?
• why do crowds intimidate me?
• why do i sweat so much when i'm nervous?
• why do i get nervous so easily?
• why can't i learn korean?
• why do i find it hard to be honest when i think my honesty will disappoint the listener?
• why do i have stringy, limp, breakable hair?
• why can't i stick to a workout regime?
• why didn't i learn to play some musical instrument?
  
• why do i get nervous doing math in my head when someone is present and expecting the answer?
  
• why am i such a poor speller?
• why do i have a hard time maintaining friendships?
  
• why do i have such a hard time letting go of it all and just letting it be?
  

i know there is more at play here than just my thoughts. i'm sure hormones have a small part in it because some days i wake up and feel great and those doubting questions are out in another galaxy. but the point is that i'm smack dab in the middle of another funk, and it sucks, so much! i'm losing my best friend and i miss the friendship i haven't lost yet.