BEAWARE OF BITCHFEST

Tonight I take refuge in writing and I feel very good about putting all else aside to do this for myself. Studying, taxes, photo-posting must wait. This is my bath, my hot soak, my comfort food, my long talk with a close friend, my quiet time with my thoughts and my journal …

[It’s just PMS. It’s just PMS. It’s just PMS.]

That guy on the subway who faked bumped into me just so he could say “Sorry”, just so he could then strike up a conversation, just so he could ask me for my number, just so he could call me 6 times the next day. To him I say:

Look dude, just because you speak English doesn’t mean were gonna be friends. You’re weird and I have enough friends and I’m too busy to start up any new connections that (let me be honest) don’t offer me anything in return. Stop calling me. Stop sending me text messages telling me to call you. When you asked me for my number I gave it to you because I didn’t want to embarrass you or myself in front of all those other people on that packed subway surrounding us, staring at you boastfully speaking English. (Note to self: just say no next time!) I’ve registered your number as SPAM on my phone and don’t try calling from another number ‘cause I don’t answer the phone unless I know who’s calling. Oh, since you asked, I’m taking Korean lessons for the most obvious of reasons - because I want to understand it - thanks for telling me how useless it will be and no I don’t need your help to learn your useless language, jerk. It’s because of you that I plan to lie. You are the last Korean I want to hear telling me that it’s useless to learn Korean. From now on I’m a teacher, a tourist, a basket weaver, a biologist, a skydiver, a writer, a company worker, what do you think I do? Okay then, that’s what I do here in Korea and no I’m not elaborating.

[Just wait for it to pass.]

I just completed my first week of school and am overwhelmed, failed my first Korean test because of spelling errors (I can’t spell well in English either), made no friends with schoolmates, wrote none of the inspired thoughts in my head that I wanted to capture in writing, didn’t volunteer as a class leader which comes with extra responsibilities BUT extra 100,000￦ because I didn’t want my schoolmates to hate me for being a kissass (I think I’ve already put them off ‘cause I always answer teacher’s questions, and most of the time, correctly), haven’t been doing yoga and have a stiff neck as a result, had a conversation with a person last night and feel weird about what she said and question myself for finding irritation and annoyance with her comments as she reflected on my answer to her “how are you?” question. Doesn’t she know to keep her opinions to herself? Doesn’t she know how to just listen? To her I say:

My sharing of my day is not an invitation for you to pass your judgment.

My inward admonishing for feeling vulnerable turns to an outward assassination of her character and I begin to wonder with a twinge of pleasure how terrible of a counselor she’ll be with that judgmental face she wears when listening and those forceful opinions she injects into nearly all free moments as though she knows best and her experiences are the only ones that exist. I cannot decide if I like her but I’m heavily leaning towards no since this last conversation. It’s clear that she and I have not connected on any meaningful level for me to appreciate the relationship (which exists because of our proximity and not by choice). Sometimes I think she’s seriously flawed in some emotional way. She has this plastic like quality to her. I haven’t felt or seen one degree of warmth from her yet she’s always wearing that same counterfeit, plastic smile and always acting superficially interested. And yet I feel I can be completely honest _to_ her because she seems like some kind of container with no natural or vulnerable human emotion within making it unnecessary to sensitize any message I deliver to her.

[Stop letting the anger and irritation consume and concern you.]

But I had a great talk with my parents yesterday and heard some amazing news about Janice and Jason and had a great lunch with my friend today and was able to give her a hug ‘cause she was feeling blue from a fresh breakup so I find comfort and pleasure in having those moments in my life … while I’m PMSing.

[It’s normal. Acknowledge it and move on.]

What’s up with the chicken prices?

My room dipped back down to 14 degrees Celsius the other day.

Though I failed my first Korean exam I ~was~ able to understand parts of two different Korean conversations yesterday just based on what I had learned in my first week of school. That totally counts as an A+ in my book.