this is an A & B converation...

i'm writing to keep myself from eating. but as i write this i'm eating an apple. (oh well!) i figure if i'm going to eat when i ought not, it better be something healthy.

i ought not be eating right now for a number of reasons. the first, i'm not hungry, the second, it's 9:47pm, the third, i'm watching tv.

it seems like i am eating so much. i don't know about anyone else, but i'm obsessed with eating. i think about it all the time. sometimes i wake up thinking about what i'm going to eat for that day. when i finish breakfast i start thinking about what i'll eat for lunch. when i finish lunch i start thinking about what i'll eat for dinner. when i finish dinner i start thinking about what else i can eat for the rest of the day that won't make me feel miserable for having eaten it. i make deals in my head and have negotiations with my conscience about what i will eat, when i will eat it and how much of it i will eat.

it goes something like this:

A - the part of my brain in charge of want and desire
B - my conscience

~~~
A: hey, i want to eat pizza today

B: no, that's not a good food choice. it's unhealthy. i don't know why but i'm sure it's bad for lots of good reasons.

A: but i've been so good. i did a bunch of stuff that i didn't want to do so shouldn't i be able to reward myself?

B: quit being a little sissy and think of something else that you would like to eat. besides, the pizzas here aren't even ~that~ delicious. you won't be satisfied with your choice of pizza as your "fix". nothing compares to the homemade pizzas you made back when you lived in the States. and another besides, you'll end up eating the whole dang thing when you felt satiated after the 3rd slice ... and after having eaten the whole pizza you'll be so full that you'll feel like it's all coming back up. and another besides, it seems to be getting harder and harder for you to avoid soda. you're back to conditionally soda drinking. but i tell you, pizza does not ~have to~ be eaten with soda. it's not a rule and you don't have to do it. what the hell do you want anyhow, the pizza or the soda? if you don't want to drink soda, and you can't go back to drinking water with pizza, then you might as well just stay away from the pizza. isn't there anything else that you can choose that will give you the satisfaction of "cheating" without major ramifications?

A: oh, you're such a drag. what about sundubu jigae (spicy clam & tofu & veggie soup)? it's super tasty and healthy and i'll get to eat all those other flavors in the six different side dishes they serve. yum. yum. ... but the last time i ate sundubu jigae it gave me garlic breath and gas for the rest of the day.

B: so what? you're not going to see anyone for the rest of the day. right now, it's the better choice of the two choices on the table.

A: but i need to feed the craving for my fix. sundubu jigae isn't really gonna do it because, well, because it's a healthy choice. i need to pick something from the forbidden menu.

B: fine, then after you finish the sundubu jigae go to the grocery story and pick out a cheap snack.

A: oh goodie! maybe i'll get chocolate. or maybe i'll get those chip-like thingys that i got the other day. or maybe i'll take a peek at their pastry section and see if there is anything sweet enough for me.

B: don't get carried away. you'll be full after lunch anyhow.

A: exactly, so just relax. if i go shopping when i'm full then i won't get carried away, according to research that says you buy more when you go grocery shopping on an empty stomach.

B: yeah, you say that now, but ...

A: yeah, yeah, yeah, but, but, but ... good, so it's been decided. sundubu jigae for lunch and some forbidden snack afterward.
~~~

hunger never seems to play a big roll in whether or not i eat (unless of course i happen to actually be hungry).

i love food. i love the taste and texture of food. i love smelling and tasting flavors. but ... i eat out of boredom. i eat when i can't figure something out. i eat when i'm happy and i eat when i'm sad. i eat when i sit down to watch "tv" so often that when i sit down to watch something without food i suddenly feel a desire to eat food. (just call me Pavlov's dog.) i almost never experience hunger since there is always a stead supply of food to my stomach from full-on meals (which i either make at home or get at a restaurant) to side street stacks (which are omnipresent; no matter where you go in Seoul, you'll pass at least 50 street snack vendors no matter the time of day or season of year) to fruits after fruits after fruits (which i try to keep stockpiled in the house) to after meal drinks such as green tea latte and hot chocolate, my favorites (which can also be purchased conveniently on any block in Seoul). i almost always go to bed with a full feeling and a puffy tummy despite knowing how uncomfortable it can be as compared to the rare occasions on which i go to bed without a stuffed belly.

my weight seems to have gone up a couple of pounds and i have surmised that it must be a result of my constant eating. yesterday a friend told me that he doesn't eat very much because he thinks it's a waste of time and boring. this concept was so new and bizarre to me - it made me laugh. he's skinny.

the above conversation between A & B was an actual conversation from my head which took place today at around 2ish when i was on my way home and feeling hungry and not wanting to cook at the house. i ended up eating delicious sundubu jigae (and smelling like garlic and having gas) but i also ended up with soda ... to go with my chip-like thingys that i bought at the grocery store. :-(

sometimes i think that i want to pick a day, any day, and then photograph everything i eat in that one day. maybe then when i take a look at everything all at once i'd be shocked into not eating as much or as often.