things i love today

i like to find equations in life. i like to notice patterns, especially patters of behavior, specifically patters of my behavior. in the three years that i've been living in korea i have been able to see patterns in my own behavior that were not apparent to me in my life before korea.

being in a new country not only enables me to recalibrate my memory seeker and recategorize my memories such that everything experienced in life now fits nicely into one of two categories: life before korea, life in korea, where such sorted memories can be recalled and accessed quite easily, but it also enables me to see myself more clearly than when i was concealed from my own eyes by living within my own culture, imbued by the likeness all around me. living in a foreign country can be somewhat isolating and in that isolation it becomes natural to experience myself more attentively, as though i'm participating in a clinical-cultural trial and am under my own observation.

in addition to living in a foreign country and being culturally isolated enabling this behavior recognition, living alone (=without a significant other) has led me to establish highly customize and personalized routines for my daily life that have transmogrified into a self-sustaining machine, where these life activities seem to happen on their own, without forced thought or intention. when so much of day-to-day life happens automatically, by comparison, those activities which aren't automatic or reoccurring become highlighted.

days and weeks happen without much notice. the laundry gets washed, the money is made, the groceries get purchased, the dinner is cooked, the family is fed, the dishes get cleaned, the kids are put to bed, the household maintenance gets done, in this family of one. weekly events (like dance classes and regular scheduled social activities) make each week a copy of the next.

as a teenager in high school, every single day was as precarious as the next. anything could happen in a day. each day could (and usually did) consist of life altering experiences as notes got passed, rumors were spread, friends were made, friends were lost, backs were stabbed, feelings were hurt, homework was despised, boys were watched, girls were teased, hearts fluttered, hearts sank, and days on calendars were marked for their specialness, for their "firstness" (first date, first kiss, first fight). notable days just don't happen like they used to. it's a lot less subtle for adults ... until the focus is widened.

the significance of a day for a teenager is like the significance of a month to an adult, well for this adult anyhow. so i have come to recognize something significant every month, a pattern of behavior: each month i have observed myself saying to myself, "hey, i remember doing this last month. and i remember thinking this same thing last month, about doing the same thing the previous month". what i have noticed myself doing while living in a foreign country, culturally isolated, my daily life operating mechanically is that i spend a great deal of time obsessing about negativity.

my mind actually goes out of its way to expend the mental energy required to make "negativity" lists. i have heard myself say to myself on several occasions, "what else bothers me today?" as though i didn't want to forget about something negative and miss the chance to be bumped or doubly or triply bumped about a collection of things that bothered me. the logic, i suppose, if there were to be any logic behind this pattern of behavior, would be, 'why worry about 1 thing when i can worry about a collection of things?'.

so when the spontaneous feeling of appreciation came to me today, i went with it:

Things i love today:

• my freedom
• my income
• my family
• my plan to go home in june
• that my foot feels a million times better
• that i finally cleaned out my bookmarks and deleted over 350, down to 270
• my ability to fund my curiosity and desires to travel to other parts of the world
• that my dad has told me so much about our family history
• that not being liked by someone is a necessary rite of passage into adulthood
• that i'm learning to respect myself and others and be responsible for my actions
• the sudden increase in dating potentials
• the passion i have for dance
• that Yuri, my colleague, a Kor-Eng translator, asks me for advice when she's translating complex techno babble and seems so impressed and appreciative of my help
  
• the soft chocolate chip cookie that i just finished eating while making this list
• the fact that i can be reading a book or working on my computer one second and look up and actually see with clarity off into the distance without glasses
• this spontaneous appreciation for today and a positive vision for my future.

and then i marked this special day on my calendar for its "firstness"