when the wind blows

In a month and a half I’ll be reaching another milestone. September 8th marks 3 years of living in Korea.

I came to Korea thinking I’d only be here for one year.

After that first year passed I was sure that I wasn’t ready to go back home. So I stayed.

Another year passed and I was sure that I wasn’t ready to leave Korea. So I stayed.

I always believed that when it was time for me to go, I’d know for sure.

Another year passed and here I am, thinking that I might be ready to go back home, that I might be ready to leave Korea. But I’ve never felt so unsure of doing either.

Every day my mind flips and flops. And it’s little things that seem to have the greatest influence on my decision.

When it took me a half an hour to remember what we (my fellow Americans) call this*, I decided it was time to go home

When I had a great time at school connecting with my classmates (in Korean!), I decided to stay here

When I realized I had another freezing winter ahead of me in this house wearing scarves and gloves to bed, I decided to go

When I thought of my newly found love for salsa dancing and the other Latin dances I can learn, I decided to stay

When I thought of not wanting to teach English, I decided to go

When I thought of the enjoyment that I’m getting out of going to MyeongDong Cathedral Church on Sundays by myself, I decided to stay

When I thought of the money I could be making back home, I decided to go

When I thought of the cheap dental services I can get here in Korea, I decided to stay

When I thought of all the dating potentials I’m missing out on by being here, I decided to go

When I thought of all the crap food in the States and the strain on self-control I’d face, I decided to stay

When I thought of not being able to be an editor, I decided to go

When I thought about missing out on the cheap healthy restaurant food, I decided to stay

When I thought of the fact that I don’t have any visa issues living in the States, I decided to go

When I thought of the opportunities for cheaper and more convenient travel from Korea, I decided to stay

… go

… stay

… go

… stay

It’s as if I’ve lost control of my own direction and the ever changing, unpredictable wind is sailing this ship.

I want to stop thinking about the ship’s direction and look up and enjoy the sky, the same sky waiting for me wherever I alight.



* aka "bubble wrap". It took me nearly half a day to remember what we call the discarded paper used for re-printing, aka "scrap paper". Apparently, the English translation of the Korean term for such paper is "backing paper".