It came back to me today… I’m starting to wonder if there’s something wrong.
I think I’m in the middle of a __X__ (crisis?) so gripping that it takes my breath away, like this evening for example.
This evening sadness came to me again and it was so heavy that absolutely all I could do to abate it was go for a quiet walk. I couldn’t listen to music. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t chat with housemates. I couldn’t set up remote admin access on my computer. I couldn’t clean my room. I simply couldn’t concentrate on anything. I had to go to my favorite spot on Namsan for some solitude … so I could cry … and pray … and cry some more.
On a day when I should be feeling elated about completing Level One Korean, the end of the school term, a two-week school break, and especially the special 방학, an exciting summer plan cooking away in the back of my mind, and the freedom to do whatever I want, wherever I want in my future, why am I feeling sooooo sad that the beauty and pain I see looking at a magnificent rain cloud makes me cry tonight?
Please dear God let this be hormonal.
Because how on earth could this be a result of knowing just one person?
What has lasted up until this point, and by the time it ends, will amount to be nothing more than a minor blip on my radar screen of life wrt the span of time it consumed, has already had such a significant emotional impact on me that it’s giving me the shakes.
Is this what it’s supposed to be like, Love?
It has to be something else. (X = infatuation ?)
It can’t be Love and I need to be pulled out of this vortex.
2 comments:
I read all of your latest infatuation postings. I love infatuation! Only a month or so before I met Janice, I considered being a lifetime serial monogamist just so I could experience infatuation the rest of my life! I still get infatuated by many people almost every day, just like I did before I was married. But now it's a little more balanced because (1) I don't act on it and (2) I don't have to deal with the pain of rejection. I have come to this conclusion as of May 28, 2008: whatever happens in life is good for us. It might make us sad, or it might make us happy, but overall, it is all definitely good for us. "Our eyes must do some rainin' if we're ever gonna grow." So many people love you, Sue, and you will find some lucky guy who you truly love and who truly loves you someday. Until then, enjoy the infatuation and the good times and the bad. Kurt Cobain sang, "I miss the comfort in being sad." Everything is going to be all right, and it's all good. Peace in the Middle East!
jayson, your comments have lifted my spirits. thanks for sharing your insights and for all your support
thank you very much for caring enough to tell me how you feel.
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