lost in someone else

warning: some stream of consciousness follows

being lost in someone else gives the worst kind of hangover

the thing i have yet to find: LOVE

i wonder if i even know how to love two people at once, myself and him ~ whoever or wherever he is.

whoever or wherever i am.

the pull. the push.

the consumption. the separation.

the come here. the give me some space.

why can't i name what i am looking for and why do i pretend that i'm not looking for it.

healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self, please find me.

make good choices.
make educated choices.

respect yourself.
respect others.

and try really hard to love yourself.

my dad loves me
my dad misses me

knowing this brings me back to where i should be, the center.

i really want a hug from my dad.

the other day i was having a particularly unlovable day. they are few and far between and probably hormonal but some days i feel unlovable. on one of these such days last week a rationale came to my immediate aid and relieved my blue symptoms even for a wonderful fleeting moment. i thought, "well at least my mother loves me". and it was the power bar that i needed.

i went through a period not appreciating the adoration my mother has for her children and, i suppose with age and maturity i have been able to see it in a different light and yet, still from the perspective of my inner child. mom, thank you for always loving your children.