sometimes i make mistakes.
i try to live my life not making mistakes, doing right by my morals, and relating to others (friends, family and random people) in a fair and compassionate and respectful way.
but ... i don't always get it right.
and when i don't get it right, i feel bad.
today i feel bad.
today i feel bad because i responded to someone in such a way that i think, in hindsight, was not a very nice way to respond. in turn, his reaction was not very nice, and in fact, it was quite hurtful to read his critiques about my personal character and a prophesy that i'll never be happy and a declaration that he would see me again "NEVER!".
and then i felt like a bad person.
i could have responded in at least 3 other, more diplomatic and gentler ways when i declined but the reason i gave for my decline was a brutally honest one and, thinking on it now, i realize that it didn't serve any purpose other than to be mean. i have to admit to myself now that at the time, i guess i wanted to be mean to this person by saying something that was not nice, even though it was a reflection of my true feelings. and today i feel pretty crummy about it.
but i have to get over it somehow. it happens, we all make mistakes. every week at church Father asks the congregation to call to mind their sins of that week so it must be a weekly occurrence for some folks, haha. so yeah, sometimes i get it wrong. i cannot dwell on it for too long. i didn't know it, but apparently i had some unresolved hurt feelings from that past relationship that manifested itself in that text message. truth is, i'm mad at that person for having hurt me but i never had the chance to address it with him because i just swallowed my hurt and tried to ignore it.
anyway, this post is just a way for me to let go of that feeling; feeling like i'm a bad person. i'm not. i was hurt and in the absence of closure, i hurt back. it's perfectly normal. but, next time i hope to be more aware of when i'm reacting to a past hurt or reacting to the present moment.
2 comments:
it is always so interesting to hear your think through a thought process or life choice. Being "aware" is a great thing. So is stepping out of ones self for a minute to recognize another. and yes, mistakes happen, for people like you and me i do realize that they are rare, and when they do it can take you by surprise, so i am glad you do go to church to be reminded that there are others out there less fortunate and much more clumsy with their words and actions. live on my sis...you are becoming a mater at your own life!
How did you and your sis get to be such perfect women. My whole life has been mistake after mistake and that is what has made it so rich. I only make the mistake once and learn from it and then it's off to another. Sometimes it just feels good to slamdunk someone. Now I know why I was slamdunked so many times when I was a kid. because it made the other person feel good. I felt like a piece of S... but the other felt good. Well now its my turn. Get over it and so will he. Just remember whatever happens the world will always start over with the sun rising in the morning.
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