almost done wondering

women are complicated

and by women i mean this woman.

i'm so complicated i can't figure out what's going on with myself.

one day it's this.

the next day it's that.

one day, drunk on hope i jump into a sparkling pool of water.

the next day, sober on reality i realize i'm standing in a sloppy puddle of mud.

which day is the truth?

why can't i tell which is the real day?

is there really hope?

or is it really a lost cause?

either way, i can't be bothered with this anymore.

it's either there or it isn't and i gotta stop caring when it isn't there 'cause the caring part is crushing me.

yes, ok, i get it. i get it now.

it takes me awhile cause i wanna believe in love, and more than that i wanna believe that someone can fall in love with me the way i have fallen in love a bajillion times.

but i get it now.

there's no room for me in you so i'm packing up the space i made for you in me and disconnecting the line.

it seems right on cue, this sudden dissatisfaction with the state of affairs in the romance department of my life, because i finally feel a comfortable contentment with the state of affairs in the job department of my life.

i have ~always~ believed that my special someone was out there, and have patiently waited for our paths to cross. i wondered every time i met an eligible bachelor if he was the one.

but my own wondering mind has done me in a thousand and 2 times and i'm about one more disappointment away from being done wondering.

that belief in my special someone which i once trusted would always be there like ground beneath my feet is crumbling away and i'm slipping into bitterness.

won't be long before i stop believing.