to notice or not to notice

I spent a great deal of my life trying not to be noticed.

High school was the worst; each morning I would carefully construct a look that would help me blend in and avoid undue attention. I didn’t want to be talked to or talked about and I did my very best to hide from it all. I have some ideas as to where this hypersensitivity to attention came from but … that’s a post for another day and a different blog. This post is about how I came to have a different understanding about being noticed.

It wasn’t until coming to Korea that I discovered that women want to be noticed … At least that’s what the Korean men whom I’ve met say: women dress to be noticed. In fact, my Korean male friends consider staring and pointing to a woman across the room (which I categorize as rude behavior) as flattering behavior. “She can feel happy that I’m pointing at her. She can be flattered that she is the subject of our attention.” is the rational provided when I ask if they believe their gestures could be perceived as negative.

So I’ve learned that, from a male’s perspective, women are supposed to want to be noticed by men. And I guess it stands to reason, right? That’s what it’s all for, right? The lipstick, the high heels, the leg-shaving, the expensive trips to the hail salon, the fitted clothing, the revealing fashions, the nail painting, the fragrant sprays and the decorative jewelry: to flash, to advertise, to catch, and to draw attention. Let’s face it, if women dressed for their health, if they dressed for convenience and for comfort, their wardrobes and makeup cabinets would be nearly empty – and how simple life would be. The time and money saved would be enormous.

Anyway, getting to my point, I have a different understanding now. Whether or not I subscribe to the idea that women want to be noticed (which I do to a degree), or whether or not I participate in the act of dressing to be noticed (after all, I do own a pair or two of high heels and more makeup than I know what to do with), I now understand another perspective on the topic. Historically I lumped all stares, gazes and attention into one category – unwanted by the receiver and unfriendly by the giver – and assumed all women felt as I did. But now I realize that some women (though I have not polled Korean women to substantiate this) enjoy being viewed. Korean women especially view themselves constantly in tiny mirrors they carry, in their reflections found on the face of their mobile phones or in subway windows, in the full-length mirrors found in almost all subways stations and … in the eyes of others. They welcome, not avoid, the attention and for the most part the attention is innocent and flattering and not malicious or unfriendly. Understand this has been like coming home.

Adopting this new awareness has been like untying a dead weight from my psyche. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to become an image obsessed diva – that’s not where I’ve wanted to grow – but I am about to turn on its head my historical reaction to what I’ve always tried to avoid. Instead of scowling at attention, I can choose to appreciate it or ignore it because it’s not the evil monster that I’ve made it out to be. And being different in the land of sameness means that every day I’ll have an opportunity to react to being, at the very least, observed and, at the very most, inspected by a handful of people.