This post is not about the unreasonableness of my fear or the misdirection of my anger, or how unfair and hypocritical it is for me to have these feelings. This post is about how effed up I am when my crutch and safety cushions are missing in the dark of night and I realize I have nothing else to fall back on.
How is it that I was once a carefree and worry free, happy, little girl and now I am (sometimes) consumed by so much worry? This much is true: I'm never having children. I would go mad with worry.
So the enigma returns at 4am - think pigs flying and then you'll know just how freaky and outlandish this is - and I'm filled with enough [feeling not yet fully understood or identified, but 'worry' with a side-effect of (albeit unfair) 'anger' is a close match] to spontaneously combust ... or spit fire. I was steaming for sure. Why? I have no clue, but I hate this feeling! I felt alone, lost, helpless, unloved and sad. It must be the darkness. I don't know what in my life has taught me to hate the darkness but I do. As soon as the sun goes down I usually make my way back home, regardless of what I'm doing or whether I'm having a good time or not. It's like a signaling device has been implanted in my head that says 'bad things happen under the cloak of darkness, go home or else'. And for whatever reason I've listened and obeyed. So hours and hours of darkness pass and I'm supposed to be falling fast asleep - you know, when you get into bed and you know that you can sleep in as long as you want the next morning b/c you have no obligations so you fall asleep joyfully - but rather I'm waiting, waiting, waiting, wondering, wondering, wondering, worrying, worrying, worrying. I tried so hard to mentally go somewhere else, to find a place in my thoughts that is relaxing and calm and soothing but everywhere I turned I found nothing. I can't find my chi in the dark. Four AM comes, click-click the door opens then shuts and I can finally fall asleep - my crutch has come home and I can stop thinking about my dependencies. A day later my inner voice is still asking ...
What is my core? What centers me? Take away my dependencies and turn off all the lights, then tell me, Susan, what do you see? What gives you strength?
Family? Friends? Food? Companion? Intellect? Education? Profession? Fantasy? God? Nature? Self-love? Alcohol? Blogging? Exercising? Volunteering? Learning? Life? Health? Clothes? Self-image? Weight? Admiration? Art? Love? Sex? Connecting? Laughing? Sunshine? Music? Meditation? ...
What is it? Where is it? And when will I find it? Soon I will be alone and I will have to face my fears and by then I hope when the darkness falls I reach for my chi, not my crutch.
4 comments:
Wow- what a deep post, Soo. You're such a smart woman and so brave and honest to lay it all out here. Was that cathartic? Have your feelings changed at all? Staying tuned...
i think you may be on the verge of discovering something big.......i fully support and encourage your exploration.
A powerful blog entry, Soo. You have a gift for writing, just like your Mom (whose comment was loaded with meanings!).
I'd like to give you this link to a short piece about what the Bible says about conquering fears.
I feel the following lines are particularly worth hilighting (but hope you will read it all) -
What we must all do is seek the Lord with our whole heart and get His plan for our individual lives since these are perilous times. The only safe place for any of us is in the will of God! If we are in His will we will find His provision and direction. He wants to speak to us. However, we must be close to Him to hear. In the physical world the farther away you are in distance from someone the harder time you have in being able to hear them. The same principle applies to the spirit world. Hearing God is a matter of proximity.
You are in my prayers.
@jak - thank you for sharing and i hope that answers come for you too.
@emily - thanks for the ego-boosting comments! ;-) yes, it has been very helpful to put into open space the (publicly releasable) private thoughts that i've been kicking around in my head for a while. Hearing what others’ interpretations and responses are has given me another view, a different angle, for processing the thoughts and figuring stuff out on my own. it's been a positive experience. (maybe like group therapy?) … and yes my feelings have changed … like the tides of the oceans.
@big sis - i can feel it too jan. i'm ~so~ getting somewhere with this. thanks for always being supportive along my journey; when can we start reading your blog?
@mom - i like the imagery; i can actually see your humming bird feeders on the deck and the feeder for the finches (and squirrels!) down below and the activity surrounding each. i can’t wait to see you and the critters in June!
@george - thank you for your spiritual message and for including me in your prayers.
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