HSP

I'm compelled to talk more about this, even if I'm talking to myself.

I am astounded and astonished at the familiarity of these descriptions of the HSP – Highly Sensitive Person. The "coming-home" feeling I get when I read this list (below) is more than inspirational. I feel like I'm reading about my best friend, someone I know oh so well, through and through.

I'm always saying, "No that's okay. It's not your fault, I startle easily." I've watched the video performance of Rach 3 by 백혜선 about 50 different times and it /still/ causes me to stop in my tracks to intently listen to its passion, and I get Goosebumps and sometimes cry spontaneously at its grandiose conclusion without knowing why I cry, just that it's my natural reaction. I cannot tolerate coffee because my heart races and hands shake. These are things that I already know about myself and here they are all collected in a list of other truths about me.

I can hear the first bus come through our neighborhood at 5am when no one else does. My sleep is so easily broken by my own unconsciously intentional processing of sounds that I spend 10% of my sleep each night hearing noises, 20% of my sleep trying to ignore the processing of said noises and willing myself to fall back asleep. So difficult this process can be that when I'm awaken I spend about an additional 10% of time stressing about hearing more noises and not getting the sleep required for the next day. So, for example, my noisy housemate might have noisy sex for 12 minutes but to me that equals almost 1 and a half hours of sleep disturbance. I'll still be processing the sounds and stressing about having heard them and wondering if/when I'll hear them again while my noisy housemate has already peacefully and blissfully entered REM.

I smell smoke when no one else does. I'm hot when no one else is. I'm cold when no one else is. I'm irritated by irritating noise when no one else is. I pick up on odors that no one else smells. I collect details that no one else notices. And now I know I'm not crazy or neurotic -- I just happen to live among people not like me, raised in a country where sensitivity is scoffed and devalued. (My mom might also be an HSP.)

This new resource on the HSP touches right to the very core of my being. I cannot explain why I'm having such a profound reaction to discovering that there is such a thing as a Highly Sensitive Person and a highly sensitive nervous system. I just know that I'm so utterly satisfied and elated that I'm not alone. And I'm even excited to know that educated and learned people know about me and apparently have studied people just like me and have written research papers and books about the study of my inner me. I'm not queer to them. They understand me. This is so comforting.

Once a good friend told me he was a Tortured Artist. That never made any sense to me; I thought it sounded foolish too, but today, right here and now, I know, if he believes to his core that he is a Tortured Artist they way that I believe to my core that I'm a Highly Sensitive Person, then I finally get what it meant for him to say such a thing about himself to the world.

This news might be inconsequential to some, boring to others and perhaps foolish to all but discovering the existence of the Highly Sensitive Person is a defining moment in my life. And I know exactly what I want to do now: I want to embrace all that I have tried to wash out or reconfigure of who I am.

The following is a list of common truths among Highly Sensitive People, pulled from the resource cited above; this list could have been made about me and me alone:

• I am easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input.
• I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment.
• Other people's moods affect me.
• I tend to be very sensitive to pain.
• I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation.
• I am particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine.
• I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by.
• I have a rich, complex inner life.
• I am made uncomfortable by loud noises.
• I am deeply moved by the arts or music.
• My nervous system sometimes feels so frazzled that I just have to go off by myself.
• I am conscientious.
• I startle easily.
• I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time.
• When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable (like changing the lighting or the seating).
• I am annoyed when people try to get me to do too many things at once.
• I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things.
• I make a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows.
• I become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around me.
• Being very hungry creates a strong reaction in me, disrupting my concentration or mood.
• Changes in my life shake me up.
• I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art.
• I find it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once.
• I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations.
• I am bothered by intense stimuli, like loud noises or chaotic scenes.
• When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much worse than I would otherwise.
• When I was a child, my parents or teachers seemed to see me as sensitive or shy.

Two additional resources, more academic in nature, of the Highly Sensitive Person's Sensory Nervous System, by Clint Clark:
The Highly Sensitive Person or the HSP Sensory Nervous System (Part 1 of 2)
The Highly Sensitive Person or the HSP Sensory Nervous System (Part 2 of 2)

Some great bits and pieces from the above links are:

An ultra-sensitive nervous system is susceptible to overarousal from stimuli, either too much or too little (bored), including physical pain internally and over processing cognitively (analyzing and trying to solve a problem or wrestling with an emotional issue or a fear). Until my sister told me that I was over processing cognitively, I was not aware that I was over processing cognitively. Up to that point I had assumed everyone else thought about the same things I did with the same degree of intensity.

Although sunglasses can reduce intense or glaring light, they can also reduce visual clarity, (because we are looking through glass), and therefore reduce the picking up and processing of subtleties. This is so true about me; sunglasses block the sun but I feel like they block my ability to process information. I have always thought this.

Listening to something too softly to be understood, listening to music with words that are undistinguishable, or "walls of undistinguishable sound" such as crowd sound (people all talking at once), reduces the picking up and processing of subtleties within each situation. I have had to ask people to repeatedly repeat themselves and they think it's their English skills which are lacking but I assure them that I cannot hear what they are saying when there are other noises around. My ears pick up all foreground and background noises, and try to process them all at once but what happens is that I cannot hear either the background or foreground information. All sounds come at me with the same level of magnitude so it literally is just like a wall of indistinguishable sound.

A large "empty" open space such as an indoor arena can create overarousal (too little going on), whereas a large crowded space can also create overarousal (too much going on). Many HSPs find that one on one, with one person at a time, is optimal. This is exactly true about me. I much prefer one-on-one time, than one-on-many.

Being too close to a person while in conversation can create overarousal, whereas being too far from a person (such as talking on the phone) can also create overarousal (not enough information due to a lack of visual information). This is precisely why I don't like talking on the phone. If I cannot see you I feel like I cannot understand what you are saying; or that the barriers are too great and I lack any interest in trying to overcome them to achieve successful communication. I'd prefer to plan a date and meet you in person than talk over the phone.

Freedom is very noticeable and cherished by HSPs and they will go to great lengths to find it. They are very sensitive to control of any kind or "being pushed" and need to be allowed to practice what is optimal for them compared with non-HSPs. I think I wrote exactly this in my last match.com profile. As soon as I feel like I'm being pressured by a friend to do something I go numb. The last friend who pushed and pressured me I dropped like a hot potato and I haven't looked back, for my own health it had to be done. She was a non-HSP.

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I always thought, with much disappointment, that I had a problem staying focused and maintaining attention but now I know that I'm not focus-deficient, there's just not enough bandwidth to process all the information that my highly sensitive nervous system so rapidly and ferociously consumes. Lower performing process threads are terminated and the connections are returned to the pool for use with tasks of higher importance and intensity.

HSP's cannot turn off their sensitivity. They can regulate the information coming into their sensory / nervous system by removing or reducing the stimuli, but they cannot turn off their sensitivity.

AMEN

I excitedly look forward to learning more about HSP, their strengths, their contributions, how this enhances their relationships and heightens physical sensations, how they cope day to day and what they do for fun. I have never wanted to belong to a club, but if there were an HSP club, I would so want to belong. Those are my people.